There will be a special place in Heaven for trainers’ wives. It will be padded and have a punching bag. There will be a really nice barn where nothing ever breaks or gets hurt or sick. It will be warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and airy and light. It will be full of good horses owned by customers who pay their bills on time and know all the rules of cutting – written and unwritten. All the barn help will be graduates of the Martha Stewart School of Housekeeping who speak the King’s English. The lopers and assistant trainers will stay happy and never quit at the worst possible time.
The truck will be less than 10 years old with less than half-a-million miles. The oil-change guy will come in the middle of the night and silently change the oil. The trailer will always have one empty hole with tires that never blow out. The living quarters’ slideouts expand to two baths and three bedrooms, with a washer/dryer combo that irons and folds.
No show will be more than four hours away. The Highway Patrol will love cutters. The health papers will be passed without question. There will be no parking fees. There will be rig parking with full hook-ups within sight of the stalls. There will be hot water and booms with working nozzles in the wash racks. Saint Hubert, the patron saint of horse showing, will be the show manager.
She will always have a gorgeous mare to show who only marks 74s and, when retired, produces only money-earners, which, when sold, finance the children’s education in medicine or law or computer science. Their customers will beg them to bring the kids and all go show together. None of the horses will need three hours of loping. All will lope like a rocking chair and, no matter how good they feel, will not pitch. The turnback horse will come like a good dog when you whistle. Their good dog will live forever.
Their house will not have wheels. It will be up on a little hill, overlooking green pastures full of cute babies on one side and bucking cows and their cute babies on the other side. For sure, there will be four or three mini mules, and maybe a pet pig.
She will not need to know how to repair plumbing. The septic tank will not overflow. The pipes won’t freeze. The cow lot will always be upwind. The flowers will bloom on command. The road to the barn will not run through the living room.
The cows will stay healthy and put on three pounds a day eating just old straw hats. They will work fresh for weeks. If they get sick, they will line up single file at the squeeze chute. The squeeze chute will be hydraulic with a roofed shed and the north wind blocked off. There will be a medicine box with all the right medicines, syringes and needles. None will need drenching. The cows will get well in one treatment. There will be no chronics. They will stand quiet and send thank you notes for the doctoring. The cow trucks will be on time, the count will be right and all the drivers will be neat, clean and smarter than a fifth-grader.
The tack will be oiled and in one piece. Boots and wraps will be new. The Wrap Roller will be fully automatic – just throw a big knot of wraps at it and it will spit out perfectly rolled wraps. The boots will pair themselves up in the dryer and the Velcro will be all Goldilocks. Saddle pads and blankets will never get full of salt. Saddles will fit like a glove and always shine like a diamond. One bridle will work on every horse.
The office will be an organizational wonder with printer paper, envelopes, stamps, pens, staples and paper clips in their places. A computer and Internet connection will be working and already set up. There will be full trophy cases with trophy saddles in every corner. There will be a private bath just for her and a special bed for her good dog. It will have a fireplace and picture window. There will be an espresso machine. The door will have a working lock.
The husband/trainer will bring flowers home instead of mud, manure and shavings. He will always be in a good mood. He will get sick less than the cows and tough it out when he does. He will do everything her way. He will not have four catch-dogs that have to live in the house. He will not attempt to fix anything. He will have a memory. He will like her TV shows. He will take her to dinner at places without drive-up windows. He will constantly thank her for all she does. He will still need the occasional thrashing and will accept it in the spirit of which it was given – for his own good.
Cornbread Thinks: “Where seldom is heard a discouraging word; And the sky is not cloudy all day.”